How to Liberate Yourself as a Leader
The Family Ghosts Of The Past
You didn't see me then? Watch what I have become now. I once said this on stage at a leadership event, speaking to a room full of successful CEO's. I was talking about how family ghosts of the past can still affect our leadership. Specifically, how old pain can often still drive performance.
Heads nodded in recognition.
Behind polished profiles, big titles, and billion-dollar success stories, I often meet a deeper story: the child who had to grow up fast, prove their worth, or survive an emotionally barren home.
Sometimes the trauma is obvious. Sometimes it’s subtle.
But the imprint remains.
The Hidden Drive of the Overachiever
As children, we adapt. If emotional presence isn’t there, we become hyper-independent. If love feels conditional, we learn to earn it. If control or chaos ruled our homes, we internalise those rules. They become our view of the world.
In psychology, this adaptation is called a defence mechanism. One of the most fascinating—and socially rewarded—is sublimation: turning pain into productivity. The result? Leaders who climb mountains not just to succeed, but to prove they matter.
And it works.
Until it doesn’t.
When the Engine of Success Runs on Old Fuel
The trouble is, the pain that once protected us eventually becomes what limits us. The striving never ends. The applause isn’t enough. And the cost begins to show in relationships, in health, in identity.
Eventually, some leaders reach a quiet threshold:
Is this success or survival in disguise?
The Path from Striving to Healing
Healing doesn’t mean we reject our ambition. It means we understand it. It means we turn toward the story behind the drive, not to erase it, but to soften it. To integrate it.
Through coaching, therapy, or ceremony, leaders begin to trace the origin of their success and ask new questions:
- What if I no longer needed to prove anything?
- What does achievement look like when it’s fueled by wholeness, not pain?
- Who am I without the armour?
This isn’t a softening of ambition. It’s a re-rooting of it. One that’s more sustainable, more conscious, and far more human.
Because the real milestone isn’t the title or the valuation.
It’s when you no longer need either to feel worthy.
